I've been to two risk-taking in my life -- one is when I decided to search my career and pursue what I'm searching for. I left my career in PwC (with so many good memories) without assurance of next job. It was a very fearful season - in a sense, I'm not living independently, I'm the family's breadwinner. Still, I braved the uncertainty knowing that only in sound courage we find ourselves and our meaning. God heard me finally and I was accepted by Google. The company I've prayed for since 2016. While I prepare for my new life in Google, I have new set of fears - uncertainty of this next season (e.g. Will I fit in? What are the challenges ahead? Is this transition worthy of what I leave behind?) I compare all these experiences to "sailing." I'm always fascinated of boatmen. I see myself sailing but in waters I did not sailed before - the term "uncharted." Uncharted waters are dark and very deep, leading you to risks of being lost or drown. A very scary picture in mind. But I thought and I realized that God will be the sailor, God knows the waters, he created it. So, I should not fear.
Two, is when I decided to search for my faith and pursue what I'm searching for. No one ever thought that I would leave the church and would pursue understanding the Catholic faith, not even myself. I was not prepared for the transition, at least that's what I thought. As I reflect, I was being prepared in the past through my questions, sense of emptiness and longings not being filled. I was baptized Catholic but I was immediately lodged to Protestant community where I learned about the Bible, Jesus, the Father and Holy Spirit. I enjoyed and learned so much in Sunday School. I grew up and was chosen leader of the youth, teacher of the kids, praise and worship leader and before I left for Manila to work, won a board member seat of the church at a very young age. I was exposed to ministry and I thank God because in the ministry, I learned the word "commitment" and "discipline" early in my life. I learned how to think about the poor knowing God loves them. I knew many kids and parents when we go house-to-house inviting them to attend our Sunday School and Vacation Bible School during summer. I'm happy when young people and strangers receive the Gospel and commit their lives to Christ during our public events such as track distribution, concerts, etc. I'm happy when they keep coming back to church and grow in their faith. There were days I spent my time thinking of next events for the youth, days I would cry when people are not coming to regular fellowship, nights I would be sad when I hear someone living in sin. In Manila, I co-found and co-lead a office weekly lifegroup and was assigned as facilitator of the young professionals (YPro). I have deep heart for YPro as I am a YPro myself and I have a lot of struggles being a worker from personality development, career transition, performance, mid-life crisis, search for meaning, etc. I met a lot of "cool" YPro and I'm very happy that I knew them, spent time with them and accomplished many things with them.
Recalling how active I am for all the work I do, I've always ask God why I feel empty. I thought you will only feel empty if you are not doing something or you're doing a lot and you missed the solitude of the soul with God. I can say that I'm doing a lot but I still feel empty when I go home and I'm alone. I always wonder of what is "full life" that Jesus is talking about in John 10:10 (The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly). When I sin and do it again, I feel very sorrowful knowing I have disobeyed God and followed myself more than him. I would reconcile with God and ask for forgiveness but I feel worse when I do it again and again as this mean I only fool God. Then I wonder how can I not sin against you? How can I prevent myself from sinning before I chose to sin? I know deep in my heart that sin separates me from God and I don't want that to happen. I can't go on knowing my life is apart from God. But I still sin. I did a lot of ways to avoid sin but they fail at some point. I thought one day I want a crucifix in a ring or necklace or just to hang in a wall (I'm not yet in Catholic setting during that time). So when temptation comes or I want to be connected with him, I would look at the crucifix and I would be reminded of Christ. I've always longed to have this physical connection with Christ. Never did I realize, my soul is longing for "sacraments." I didn't know about sacraments, I've heard it but I've not understood what it is. According to Catechism of the Catholic Church, sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. Efficacious means "effective", according to Catholic teaching, sacraments do what they say they do because of God's power. Sign is an object, word or gesture that points to something beyond itself -- points to God and His grace. Grace is God's free gift of His presence, His help and His salvation. Instituted by Christ as ways in which He could be present to His people even after his Ascension into Heaven. Entrusted to the Church so the Church can dispense to the faithful. Dispense life means people who receive the sacraments usually share in the divine life of God. His presence enters into their souls, he helps them to live the Christian life, and He saves them so that they may reach eternal life.
In my two months exposition in the Catholic mass and community, I first long for the Sacrament of Eucharist. It is the receiving of the flesh and blood of Christ believing it's the Real Presence of Christ and not only symbols. It's the sacrament of spiritual growth -- the bread and wine are the food for the soul so as our meals are food for the body. It nourish us, strengthen us, heal us. Catholics are not carnivals because they believe in the Real Presence of Christ in the elements. It would be wrong to treat the bread and wine as symbols only because of what Jesus told the Jews in John 6:53-58 (Truly, truly I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats me will live because of me). When people heard this, they were scandalized so they exclaimed that "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?" If Jesus is talking about mere symbols, they would have not felt that way. The real flesh and blood would be taken in the form of bread and wine with faith that as the priest proclaims the words of Jesus: "This is my body" and "This is my blood", the elements are transubstantiated - it become real. What now if this is the Real Presence of Christ and not only symbols? It means, as we partake the Eucharist, we are united with God not only spiritually but also physically. He is in us. His flesh becomes our flesh. So in the context of sin, we are to be aware that Christ is in us so we choose him rather than ourselves.
I'm so ready to take the Real Presence of Christ! But I learned that before you can receive it, you should be in the state of sanctifying grace. What is this "state of sanctifying grace?" This is a condition of a person who is free from mortal sin and pleasing to God. Physical food cannot benefit a dead body, and the Holy Eucharist cannot benefit a dead soul. When we are in mortal sin, our soul become dead. Indeed, a person who knowingly would receive a Holy Communion while in the state of mortal sin, would add a new dimension of guilt to his already sinful state: grave sin of sacrilege (Leo Trese, The Faith Explained book on Holy Communion). This is also said in 1 Corinthians 11:27-29 (Whoever, therefore eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For any one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself). So, what now? If we have mortal sin, we would need to receive the Sacrament of Penance (sacrament of reconciliation, also called Confession) first before we take the Sacrament of Eucharist. The apostles (now passed to bishops, priests) are given authority by Christ to forgive sins in John 20:22-23 (And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained"). The priests are authorized to do the confession in the Sacrament of Holy Orders (sacrament of apostolic ministry), the continuation of Jesus Christ's priesthood, which he bestowed upon his apostles. Further, why confess to the priest when we can reconcile directly with God? Quick answer is that we are not angels (who are spiritual beings), we are physical beings needing a physical connection to God through the priest acting in the Person of Christ (Persona Christi) to speak the words of absolution of sin to us (nonverbatim from Bishop Robert Barron, updated). In confession, we meet Christ and receive his forgiveness. Indeed, thank God for confession! (updated)
Fr. Bobby is like my spiritual director now (I use "like" since I'm not formally lodged yet to the community). He is guiding my journey to the Catholic faith, I go to confession room for spiritual direction every Saturday. He answers my questions and recommends books that I read to understand more. He listened to my stories and welcomed me in my new home. He will give my first confession few weeks from now. I'm thankful for his life and his vocation. I'm attending Mass everyday and joining a community of student and professional women every Saturday: we have doctrine class, recollection, bible study, cultural fellowship and community outreach.
I'm asking the Holy Spirit to guide and lead me to all truth, to give me understanding and wisdom that what I hear and read will make sense both to my mind and my heart and to help me to do "love" to God and others so my faith will be consistent to what I'm searching for. There's so much more that I need to understand in the faith. The journey is long and I expect difficulty along the way. But the risks are always worth it when you know in your heart that the fruits will be greater than it: the truth. The fruit of knowing Christ, his mysterious truth and having the complete and full understanding of the faith.
I don't intend to hurt or offend anyone of this personal decision. I apologize to the people I may have hurt or offended, thinking your work in me has not come into perfection or you may consider my lack of efforts in the past to know my faith. I know you may worry about me. What I've always believed is that unity in Christ is not defined as the exclusivity in a certain group. Unity is being one in the big family of God, living for the same God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Our efforts all roll up to the same God so nothing is wasted even if we are not in the same community of faith. The wounds of history of Catholic and Reformed Church (Protestants) are real but we can all move forward as brothers and sisters in Christ. Living our daily life in communion with God, proclaiming the gospel through our life and through our words and lastly, through careful study of our faith.
I'm still the same, and I welcome late night, coffee catch ups. I treasure my friendship with all my Protestant friends and co-workers in Christ. I always remember and thank you for being side-by-side with me in my journey of faith.
P.S. Today, we celebrate the Day of Pentecost! The birthday of the Church. It means the church is now sent out to the world to proclaim the good news. The Holy Spirit is with the church, giving her the power to accomplish her role. The gift of tongues is a gift of preaching: now that the apostles will proclaim to the many places, they are given this gift so they can speak the gospel in the language of the people. How amazing!
Yes, sailing uncharted waters--yet with peace.
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